Sal the Scientist

Sal the Scientist

Kou Moua, Missoula Independent

Editor’s note: Instead of his weekly column, Sal only sent an angry email with his weekly picks. So here’s that email in all its glory:

RE: Seriously, guys?

What the heck happened?

I’m beginning to understand why my grandpops called you guys The Daily Scandal Sheet. Those picks you ran for me last week are certainly not the teams I sent you. Can you say #fakenews?

By my marks, I went 10-0 last week and you guys have me down as a paltry 2-8. What a joke.

You know what I did with last Friday’s paper? I went into the woods to try to calm down — my doc says I need to meditate to get rid of the grumpiness — and while I was in my state of calm, I came up with an idea: Light that rag on fire and throw it over a cliff.

Now there’s a bunch of smoke everywhere and I’m thinking I might have done something wrong. Oops. Sorry, not sorry.

I’d rather deal with some smoke — the trailer park already reeks of menthol every day anyhow — than have that garbage in my ‘Bago.

So how about this for a lock of the week: you guys will change all my picks to the wrong games. Aside from the ones I get right, of course.

As my favorite rapper, 2Chainz, once said: DO BETTER!

— Sal the Scientist

RE: Update! Did not burn down the Gorge

So evidently this fire got pretty serious… I know I sort of implicated myself in the last email I sent you guys and even though I don’t trust that you’ll be able to get the facts straight, I DIDN’T DO IT!

Yes, that paper I lit on fire did smoke up some but they say this fire was started by some laughing teenagers playing with fireworks. Boy, was I relieved. But I still don’t quite believe it because I didn’t think teenagers laughed.

My generation was too cool to laugh when we were teenagers. We sort of just walked around all angry-lookin’. The Grump would approve.

Until next week!

— Sal the Scientist


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