Sal the Scientist

Sal the Scientist

Kou Moua, Missoula Independent

You done whining yet, soccer fans?

Oh boo hoo, your team didn’t make the gathering of nations. For every other sport, we call it the Olympics. But that’s not enough for all those soccer crazies. They have a separate tournament all to themselves. God forbid the distance runners and the distance runners that kick balls around a field intermingle.

I get it; it’s the cool thing to like. It’s hipster as my friends call it. But this is America, and this is football season! Not futbol, football or futebol, but FOOTBALL! So let’s put that spherical ball away, pull out the pigskin and watch some people hit each other.

Nobody wants to see 22 people run in circles for a 1-1 draw. We like winners, and, more than anything, scoring. That’s why we give out six points for a touchdown and three for a team that gave up before their allotted downs. We want to see 42-31, not 7-4.5. That second one would be downright silly.

All the soccer talk did get me thinking, though. How would a “World Cup” of football shake up?

Clearly, the U.S. would win the whole thing. Canada would finish last. Those Far Northers don’t even know where to put the field goal posts. In front of the end zone? Really?!!

Germany could be strong, but they’re too focused on soccer. Mexico is certainly passionate about the sport and could make a deep run.

But we must head to the Pacific Ocean to see the truly talented squads. New Zealand is dynamite at rugby and that translates well, while American Samoa has produced some of the best linemen and linebackers the NFL has ever seen.

So who makes the Final Four? My bet would be the U.S., Mexico, New Zealand and American Samoa.

With U.S. topping New Zealand 5-2.5 in the championship game to bring home Tom Brady’s deflated balls.

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